Windmills of Your Mind
by dawneh
Summary: John Paul really wants to love his girlfriend - but his heart lies elsewhere. Missing scene fic


_Like a circle in a spiral  
Like a wheel within a wheel  
Never ending or beginning  
On an ever-spinning reel  
As the images unwind  
Like the circles that you find  
In the windmills of your mind_

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. I'd just wanted to do something special, something to show Hannah how much she meant to me. I'd just wanted to make her happy; instead I'd nearly managed to get her drowned.

I don't know what had possessed me to think that taking a boat out on the lake by the Dog was a good idea, it struck me as romantic at the time, but let's face it Hollyoaks is certainly no Venice.

I'd felt guilty all the way back to Hannah's house as she squelched along the street beside me, her teeth chattering together as her cold, sodden clothes clung to her slight frame.

But never once did she blame me. Never once did she raise her voice or tell me that it was all my fault or gotten angry that I'd let her fall into the water. That wasn't Hannah's style. Instead that gentle girl, cold and very probably feeling quite sorry for herself, slipped a small chilled hand into mine and smiled gently at me.

Hannah Ashworth loved me.

It was just a pity I didn't deserve it.

"You sure this is OK?" I asked nervously as we entered Hannah's bedroom. It was such a girl's room. Pink and soft, a poster of a cartoon cat adorned one wall and a scattering of soft toys covered various surfaces. It was a room that reflected my girlfriend perfectly. Gentle, soft and innocent. She was so beautiful that sometimes it made me want to cry because I knew I could never be what she wanted or what she deserved.

"Yeah," Hannah said in response to my question, "There'll be no one around till after tea."

"Nice and warm in here," I said. No matter how much time I spent with Hannah I always felt awkward when it was just the two of us. When we were alone and private. It was those times that I felt most nervous and uncertain. In my heart I knew that I shouldn't be there, shouldn't be with here, but my courage to do the right thing always seemed to fail me. It wasn't that I didn't care for Hannah, I did, a part of me always will but I could never really love her, I could never be in love with her.

"I'm freezing," Hannah replied with a teeth chattering giggle as she reached for her dressing gown and gestured for me to turn around as she got out of her wet clothes.

Turning away from her I let my attention focus on her CD collection. Most boys I'm sure would have been trying to sneak a glimpse of their girlfriend as she peeled the wet clothes from her body and dropped them to the floor. Most boys.

"Shall I put some music on?" I asked as I fiddled with several CD cases before selecting the best, or more like the least worst, from an assorted collection of boy bands and compilation albums.

"Sure," Hannah said as she continued to strip out of her sodden clothing. "Hey it was fun today wasn't it?"

"Yeah," I said, a little unenthusiastically, "Probably shouldn't have bunked off school though."

"No… but it was worth it eh?" Hannah replied, "It's just, well… I really like spending time with you."

I took a deep breath at Hannah's words. I'd known from the start how she felt about me, just like I'd known I would never ever be able to feel the same in return. But still I'd gone along with it and allowed myself to enter into a relationship I knew could never last and why? Because Craig wanted me to. Because Sarah wanted me to. Because as long as I was with Hannah we could be that little four-some that would allow me to be with the person I really wanted. Even if the situation would tear me apart more often than not.

"Yeah I know," I said quietly, hating my own words. Those weren't the words Hannah deserved to hear back, she should be told how much her boyfriend wanted to spend time with her too; she should be worshipped and adored and loved. But she wouldn't be. Not as long as she was with me and not as long as I continued with this lie.

"Oi, you can turn around now."

I turned slowly and smiled at the sight of my girlfriend. I might never be able to love her the way she wanted but I did still love her.

Her long blonde hair was still damp and she shivered as she pulled her dressing gown around herself, a white fluffy garment decorated with pink spots, somehow it seemed to enhance the tender beauty that was inside her, a beauty she never saw.

"Still cold?" I asked as she shivered again.

"Yeah," Hannah replied with a smile, "Maybe we could…"

Hannah didn't have to finish her sentence, we both knew what she meant and the idea made my heart race, but not with the excitement it should, rather with fear and knowledge that I was allowing things to become more than they should. But I knew it was already too late. I'd slept with her once before, I'd already made that choice and that commitment and I somehow felt unable to back out now.

Hannah's lips were chilled as they pressed gently against mine before she walked over to her bed and sat on the edge looking up at me. Her large eyes were filled with love and expectation and every atom of my body wanted to flee, to run away and end this mistake.

Gripping the edge of my top I pulled it off over my head and let it fall to the ground besides Hannah's damp clothing as I kicked off my shoes and socks. I felt a sudden chill and tried to convince myself it was just the cold air against my bare skin, but there was no cold air in the warmth of Hannah's bedroom.

Joining my girlfriend on the bed I leant forward and kissed her, softly at first, our lips pressing together harder as she raised one hand to my face, the tip of her tongue lightly teasing over my lips as our kiss deepened.

In silent agreement we both lay back on the bed, the cool wall against my back sent goose bumps racing down my arms as Hannah released the belt of her dressing gown, allowing it to fall open slightly to grant me a glimpse of the milky skin beneath as she lay facing me.

My hand was trembling as I stroked along Hannah's slender neck and over one shoulder, easing the dressing gown from it as I pushed her onto her back and kissed her still chilled flesh. Hannah sighed softly as I trailed my kisses down over her chest, cupping one breast gently in the warmth of my palm and licking my tongue over the nipple that hardened at my attentions, her sighs getting louder as I gripped her nipple with my lips and sucked it softly.

I might never be able to offer Hannah my love but I was determined to try my best to give her some pleasure.

Returning my kisses to Hannah's lips I closed my eyes tightly and plundered her mouth with the heat of my tongue but it my mind it wasn't Hannah's mouth pressed hard against mine and it wasn't her slender female frame that I imagined I was caressing. But rather the body of the person I had so often longed to touch. The body I had admired and desired in equal measure, watching with hidden longing so many times as it was revealed to me after every football game. In my mind I imagined it was Craig's sighs I could hear as my hand moved lower and the thoughts of touching him in the way I has always wished to made my groin stir with growing lust.

I stroked my hand down over Hannah's flat belt and the small roundness of her hip, caressing the outside of her thigh for a moment before allowing my hand to wander towards the softness of her inner thigh. Hannah moaned as my touch became more intimate, and she parted her legs to grant me access to her very centre.

I brushed my fingers lightly over the soft down that lay nestled between her thighs, my hand still trembling as Hannah raised herself slightly to encourage my touch to go deeper.

With no effort at all I slid one finger into the wet heat of Hannah's body, she was already so aroused by my touch and the realisation that I could create such an arousal sent small tremors of pleasure through my body and I eased a second finger alongside the first, pushing them deeper inside Hannah's welcoming flesh as she raised her hips up and moaned with pleasure into my kiss.

I felt one of Hannah's hands quickly release the button and zip of the jeans I was still wearing and her small soft hand slipped into the warmth of my boxers to wrap around the semi-erect thickness of my cock, making me gasp at the touch. Once again my mind replaced the reality of the situation with my true desires as I imagined it was Craig's hand gripping me, softly at first but then more firmly, easing my foreskin back and forth as my cock grew harder and fuller, precum already seeping from its tip.

My fingers were soaked with Hannah's arousal as I continued to fuck her with my hand, slipping my fingers out of her body to circle her juices around the hardness of her clit for a few second and then driving them back insider her. An action I repeated over and over as her moans became louder and deeper. Hannah arched her back, spreading her thighs wider apart as I filled her with a third finger and began to massage her throbbing clit with my thumb.

Breaking away from our kiss Hannah threw her head back against the pillow, her hand gripped my cock tightly, as she began to gasp and tremble at my touch. I could tell she was close to climax and I fucked her harder with my hand, rubbing her clit faster and firmer until she cried out my name, her body convulsing with pleasure and her cheeks flushed with excitement as her orgasm shuddered through her body.

Gasping and breathless Hannah opened her eyes and smiled shyly at me, looking a little embarrassed perhaps that she had lost such control of her own body and that I had watched her come. I was surprised at how much I had enjoyed giving her such physical pleasure and, as she continued to stroke my cock that was now throbbing heavily, I became more and more desperate for my own release.

"Make love to me John Paul," Hannah whispered, raising her head to kiss my lips lightly, "please…"

Sitting up I quickly pushed off my jeans and boxers, fishing in the pocket to extract my wallet and pull out the condom I had tucked in there. Tearing open the small foil packet I rolled the condom over my aching length and then turned back to Hannah. Climbing between her thighs I leant forward and kissed her deeply as, with one hand, I guided the head of my cock against her hot, wet opening.

Arching her back again Hannah moaned softly as I slid into her. I closed my eyes and tried to think of nothing but the physical sensation of my cock being encased in such heat, Hannah's silky flesh consuming it and gripping it tightly as she wrapped her legs around my back and pulled me deeper into her.

I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel to be inside Craig, how would his body feel around my cock? What would it feel like to come inside him?

Hannah's hands slid around my neck, pulling me in for another kiss as I began to ride my cock in and out of her. Her lips parted and she sucked against my tongue for a moment as I played it around her mouth.

Supporting my weight on my elbows I thrust my hips faster, the sound of my balls slapping against Hannah's body seemed to fill the room as did the noise of my own moans as I felt the much needed climax approaching.

Pulling away from our kiss I buried my face against Hannah's neck and fucked her as hard and fast as I could. Thoughts of Craig filled my head as my body began to tremble, I could see him so clearly lying beneath me, begging me to fuck him harder, my cock slamming deep inside his hot, tight arse.

"Oh god," I yelled out as I began to come, "Oh fuck… oh Cr… Cr… Christ…"

My whole body shook as wave after wave of hot come throbbed from my cock, rivulets of sweat running from my brow and down my back as I thrust one last time into my girlfriend before collapsing against her breathlessly.

No sooner had the pleasure of my climax begun to dissipate before I started to regret what I'd done. I cursed myself for being so weak, for allowing that beautiful girl to become a part of my lies and for knowing that eventually I would end up hurting her.

I'd wanted nothing more than to grab my clothes and run as soon as I'd finished having sex with Hannah. I couldn't call it making love, no matter how much I cared for the girl it was still only ever going to be sex. But I knew I couldn't do that to her and so instead I lay back in her small bed as she rested her head against my bare chest in contentment.

"I love you John Paul," she whispered quietly, so quietly I could pretend not to have heard, as she stroked her fingers softly over my skin.

"I love you Craig," my voice screamed in my head as hot tears trickled their silent path over my cheeks.


End file.
